Choices

Alamelu woke up. She realized she had woken up by herself. No alarm had gone off. No one had called her. No one had knocked on her door. She was surprised at herself. That too on a day she had decided not to go to work.It had been a tough week, especially on the personal front. Her father, whom she had been estranged from for 4 years now was trying hard to get in touch with her and make amends. He sent her email, photos, packages in the mail. She had disregarded all of them. She could not do it. She could not forgive him. He had been a good father, but sometimes an unforgiving one. It was in her genes, she thought.

At 26, Alamelu was the oldest unmarried woman in her entire extended family. All her sisters, cousins, and even most of her friends had done the right thing. They studied hard, got a good job, which they quit at 23 to marry some Iyengar boy settled in the US. That was not for her though. In college she had met and dated a fashionable Mumbaikar. And when she was about to graduate, she told her parents about him. It surprised and shocked everyone. Shocked people who had met her, because, she, Alamelumangai, with her long oiled hair in a neat braid did not look like someone who would do this to her parents. People who knew her well, were surprised because she, Alamu, with her strategically hidden tattoo was too much of a globe trotting rebel to settle down with a husband and kids. Yes, she had surprised them all. And surprised them even more by making that relationship work for 7 years across countries and timezones.

And that was why her father was reaching out to her now. He wanted to see his only daughter married. Even if it was to some Marathi boy. She had proven her love by making it last. And now she had her father's blessing.

That bothered Alamelu. She wasn't sure she wanted to be married. And certainly unsure about Rahul. No. She didn't think she would marry someone who would fit right in into a Karan Johar movie. The uncertainty was heightened by the new guy she had met. Tall and Turkish, he had walked into her office. When the shift ended at 9.30 that night, he offered her a ride home, during which mentioned that he found her pretty. Alamelu reflexively frowned at him. But upon reflection, realized it was just the thing she needed to hear. It also made her realize things had just ended with Rahul. That night she imagined how her father would react if she brought a new boy home. An Arab at that. Her thoughts took her to the first time she mentioned Rahul. Her father had blown a fuse. It was no surprise. It was the exact reaction she received when she told him she was going to major in Psychology and not Engineering. She remembered feeling guilty. She remembered graduating with a B. Tech.

And here she was again. At a place where she had to make a choice. All of her family and all of Rahul's family expected them to get married. And now she knew she didn't want to. She wanted to tell Rahul it was all over. But she could not bring herself to. Rahul cared about her too much. And there was more at stake than what she was feeling. Breaking those unspoken vows that had gotten them through those seven years had consequences. Of putting her parents and his through all of it. And immediately, again, she felt guilty. Guilty about making a choice that affected her life more than anything else- simply because to everyone else it was a given; there was no two ways about it. She was feeling guilty about making a choice because nobody had expected it of her to be making such choices. With a chuckle she wondered if she was Jewish.

As she lay there staring at the ceiling fan, vaguely following its low hum, Alamu wondered if all her decisions were affected by her need to rebel. She wanted to believe that it was outrageous to even think that; but she suspected that it might have a sliver of truth. Having been taught to be considerate of others feelings first, she realized she could not end it with Rahul simply because of what him and their families would go through. She could not date a Turk simply because she could not put her father through it once again. She remembered all the lessons she had been taught as a child; most important of which was that there were consequences. There were always consequences. When you made a decision, you honored it by following through. She did not know if those lessons were right. But she knew she did not have the courage to investigate them. With that realization, she called her father, asked for his forgiveness, and asked him to arrange for a weeding within the next three months.